Art of Smack!
Updated May 14th, 2001


What is smack you ask?
Smack is the reward for a good draft, a lucky win, a soft schedule, etc.  Smack is about tweaking statistics, spinning up stories that show your team as the best franshise ever.  Smack comes from the gut, is usually bordering on abnoxious and cruel and is the reason I play Fantasy Football.  Honestly, I don't care if I win the trophy.  I just want to dish out misery to everyone else in my league each week.

What constitutes good smack?
Good smack cuts right to the chase.  It does not require many words just the right ones.  It is usually ruthless and politically incorrect. And if it is aimed at your team, it hurts.  Here are some short witty remarks heard over many seasons of fantasy football:

  • If you win 2 of your last 5, you can rename your team the 4&9ers
  • My mom always told me, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything.  But then my mom never got to got the opportunity to play your sorry 0-3 team.
  • Take notes so that you'll know how to win next year.
  • Are you gonna try and beat me with THAT line-up?
  • Vegas only favors me by 21 points this week. Boy it hurts to lose my stars on their bye weeks.
  • The conference champs submit the following line-up against the ill-fated, rookie-coached, sorry-excuse-for-a-team.
  • Somehow you managed to eek out a win, but you have never been good with numbers - that's why they made you the boss.
  • As my team sits atop the league standings, teams envision something must be astray.  They can't imagine that their weak ass teams could be their fault.  No....it must be luck, must be a leap year, must be collusion.
  • Revenge is a dish best served cold.
  • Oh sure you want all my talent for the crap you have.
  • Maybe you should stay with poker. You only lost $100 in that.
  • I suppose you could still win provided Fred Baxter scores three touchdowns over 50 yards.
  • Wow, you seem to have the market cornered for overweight aging running backs.
  • I can see why you traded out of the first round with your history of picking bad players.
  • What was I thinking? I should have drafted two kickers with the same bye week too...Laughing.
  • Besides the fact that person retired in the offseason, that pick was a steal.
You can get away with longer SMACK, by placing it in a news wire format as shown below:

  • Zzzyyyxxx, CA (AP) - After losing to perennial FFLEGM doormat Beaverton, the Barstow team could be seen sulking around town, unwashed, unshaven, moaning and babbling on in delirium.

  • Beaverton, OR (AP) - Still reeling from its punishing loss to division rival Barstow, The Damned regrouped at an undisclosed hotel for private team meetings.  In the post-game news conference, The coach was quoted as saying:

    "We stunk.  We just smelled it up.  We were awful, what can I say?  We came out flat flat flat.  Flatter than a 9 year old Catholic school girl.  No focus whatsoever.

    What do you do when your team is terrible?

    I prefer to never lay low and will search hard for some sort of angle (best defense, a great player, etc.  But if you lose too many early, you are probably better off talking about how well you are doing in the stock market.  There is just no way to counter the guy who is 7-1.  Even if you beat him, you will lose in the ensuing Smack Off, due to your earlier ineptness.  Some ideas when the season is beyond repair:

    • Spread untrue rumors that you just heard on Sports Radio.  Rice's injury might be career threatening.  Derrick Mayes has been named the starter over Antonio Freeman.  Why would you make up such lies?  to see the others squirm.  This can be as much fun as actually winning the league.  Be sure to not make up so many untruths that nobody listens to you.
    • Create a bogus company that you have invested in like "Database Integrity Solutions for Multiple Environments (DIS ME) and see if anybody catches on.  When everyone is talking FFL, butt in and tell them you just made $850 yesterday in the market.  The winners of the league will believe they could be richer too if they didn't spend so much time worrying about their rosters.  Hell, if only they could have free time again like you.
    • Have a Monday Night BBQ and people will feel pressure to treat you nice for awhile.
    • Play along and take the grudge into next year and then be relentless to anyone who has a bad year.  "Well, if you win the last six, you probably will make the playoffs"